It was a great day

Well I am starting to feel better and I am accepting my schedule with Taylor. All though it hurts I only want her to be happy. I don't understand how courts can say this is best for a child. To me it seems like a bunch of jumping around. All though it is 50/50. I wish I had more. I have to learn to move on and understand that my baby loves me no matter what and I will always be her mom. And no one will ever take my place.

I had a great run with my sweetheart. I am running more trails in preparation for my 30mile trail run. I know it must drive Bill crazy but I can just stare at him all the time and be happy. It is a feeling that I can't describe. I have married my true love. He may not ever understand but I did know 11 years ago that I loved him. I was always so excited to spend time with him and talk to him. And to this day I still get the same feeling when I am around him. I get so excited and happy inside. It is the best feeling and I know it will never end.

I feel wonderful and I am looking forward to a great weekend with my family. Fun times are ahead.

Lonely blogger

I feel like my blog is my personal diary. If you don't write much in it people don't follow it. Which I think is good at times. I think with my heart and not with my brain alot. I have decided that being nice gets me no where. I guess I have to learn to be a bitch. Wish me luck. I am going to need it. If I could go into a room I would want to scream right now.

Taylor is sick . I hate the fact that I have to send her to Chris's sick. He doesn't know what he is doing. He will push the responsibilities to someone else as usual. She needs her mom. And wants her mom. I guess I will learn how to deal with it.

I was hoping to have a nice run with Taylor and Bill but it isn't going to happen. I guess I will spend my time running the treadmill. I get so bored on that thing. But at least I won't freezer. Any way I'm going to try to blog more.

My heart hurts

Well I have finally come to a settlement with Chris regarding our daughter. Not exactly what I wanted because I wanted her all the time. I am selfish in that way, but I love my daughter so much. I made a choice that I thought was best for my family . Not everyone agrees and it does hurt me. I was given advise and the thought of spending less time with Taylor rippped my heart out. It was shire panic. I have never had a panic attack , but last night had one. I felt like some one was ripping my heart out and punching me in the stomach. The pain was unbearable. All I could do was cry and I couldn't stop. I know I am a great mom. I know I messed up at the beginning and that is why I have the out come that I did. When I get like this I just want to lay and sleep. When I get down I don't eat or drink anything. It drains me mentally and physically. I am hoping to bounce out of my funk soon. I need support not be told that I was wrong . I plan on running tomorrow atleast 5 miles. I am looking forward to feeling better and enjoying the greenbelts with Taylor and maybe Bill if he joins us.

I hate to be told that I am weak. I'm not weak. I can put up with anything. I am a true beleiver in karma. So I hold my head up high knowing that I am a good person. The good guy never finishes first though. But I can go away knowing that I am a good person with a great heart.